Principles for Practicing Assertiveness
We don’t always have an accurate understanding of how to be assertive, and it can be easily confused with aggression; aggression means that you’re likely to attack someone or forcefully push for what you want. But if you've ever tried to directly state your needs to someone then you know how tricky it can be to practice assertiveness. Asking for what you need, and standing up for those needs is at the heart of assertiveness. Aside from having better self-esteem, practicing assertiveness also helps you to have less anxiety and depression, healthier relationships, and having a greater sense of control in your life. In his Psychology Today article, Dr. Seth Gillihan outlines several things to keep in mind when practicing assertiveness.
1. Identify Your Needs
Tune in to your needs by first starting to identify things that rub you the wrong way. This will help you start to pay attention to what you need in a given situation. Also be aware that you may naturally discount your desires in favor of what others want. This article is also helpful in starting to identify your needs.
2. Remember Your Worth
Sometimes people who struggle to stand up for their needs have trouble believing that they are worth standing up for. This could be from messages you received about your needs as a child, or having learned that it’s safer to focus on the needs of other people. Underneath this might be a core belief along the lines of “My needs aren’t important.” But in these moments, remind yourself that you are valuable, worthy, and your needs are as important as those around you.
3. Be Direct About What You Need
As you express yourself to another person, don’t apologize and simply state what you’d like. This will help the other person to recognize that you’re standing firm and aren’t going to be a pushover.
4. Aim for Positivity
Seek to be positive from the onset. This will help the other person to tune in, and expect that your positivity will bring about a positive response from the other person.
5. Be Responsible for Your Needs
Instead of focusing on all the ways the other person has failed in listening to you or meeting your needs, take responsibility for what you’ve contributed. For example, if your need is getting more quality time with your partner, tell your partner you’d like several nights each week together for catching up.
6. Aim for Balance
Try to be collaborative as you keep in mind the needs of the other person as well as your own needs. Collaboration can lead to the most buy-in from both of you and ultimately, change that will last.
7. Don’t Neglect the Nonverbals
Assertiveness is not only communicated through the things we say, but also through our nonverbal communication. Before having a conversation where you’re expressing your needs, take a moment to practice using these nonverbals.
Eye-contact - Maintain a steady gaze and avoid looking down at the ground as you talk.
Facial expression - If you’re talking about how you’ve been frustrated or hurt, avoid smiling; have your facials match what you’re trying to communicate.
Posture - Sitting up straight and squaring your shoulders will demonstrate that you’re confident in what you’re saying.
Distance - If you’re too far away from the person you’re talking with, this looks like you’re being passive. If you’re too close this communicates aggression. Think about how you’d like to position yourself before having the conversation.
